Daphne’s dating checklist for lost and confused men

Here is a comprehensive list of things you must do if you find yourself taking me, or any like-minded lady on a date. These are not optional. They are an essential part of dating me.

 

New and improved checklist

 

  • A brain – this is actually pretty useful for life in general, not just dating yours truly. I’ve no idea where you’ve got to go to pick one of these beauties up from. Try Tesco.

 

dating do list

 

  • Tolerance for musical theatre – You must, annually, see one show with me. This is an essential part of dating You also must be capable of knowing the difference between the work of Rodgers & Hammerstein and that of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Bonus points for being aware of Howard Ashman and Alan Menken. They are tres important.

 

  • Shoes – You must own a pair of shoes, if we are involved in a dating capacity. You, however, are expected to remove them if you want to sit on my bed, with socks. Feet are grim. You may take them off, with permission.

 

  • Feel no desire to come shopping with me – WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE DATING CLOTHES SHOPPING. Clothes shopping is a solo mission.

 

YOU’RE WELCOME, MENFOLK OF THE WORLD!

 

Daphne X

 

My top ten dating locations

 

1. A restaurant – dating classics never fail. Take the object of your affection to a place where they can stuff their face. It can be classy or trashy. You decide… or maybe you can decide together, as a team taking on the world. However awkwardness may ensue at many opportunities throughout the night such as when either of you get’s your food all over your face or when the bill comes…

 

2. A paintball arena – This will remind your date of the 1990s film Ten Things I Hate About You which is always good because then she may think of you as Heath Ledger. He is fit and therefore you will appear fit and have the added bonus of not being dead. However this may entice comparisons between you and the fine Aussie, which will be bad if you are nothing like him. Also, if you tick her off she may be feeling to write a interpretation of a Shakespeare sonnet and make it all about you a la Cat Verona.

 

dating in a park

 

3. A park – this can provide cheap dating options and can encourage great chat and be very romantic. However when the chat runs out, you will have nothing to hide behind, apart from possibly a tree…

 

go dating in a park

 

4. A shopping center – This a good place to buy your loved one a over priced present to express your feelings. However this may display your shallow side and make your bank balance seem and be a lot more reduced in grandeur.

 

5. A library – A good place to show off your sensitive and smart side but not an ideal for getting to know each other in a verbal manner. You will get told off by an old person in glasses if you attempt to chatter. You have been officially been warned

 

6. Anywhere in Paris – If you need any reasons why, I really don’t think you should be allowed to be taking anyone on a date or entering into the dating world.

 

7. A theatre – Again like the library, an ideal place to show one’s more cultured side. Like the book lending epicenter, no talking allowed UNLESS it is a pantomime, which I really do not recommend taking a date to, as they show you are a child and have no taste. These are not attractive qualities you want in a potential life mate.

 

8. Anywhere with a balcony – Balconies give the sense of romance but they must have a nice view so don’t go on one if you live in Birmingham or Glasgow. Also don’t take your date on one if they are petrified of heights. This will not give you ratings for saving them from danger but will just make you appear to be the bellend you put you in danger in the first place.

 

9. A pub – They have alcohol on tap, which makes you drunk and everyone looks more attractive when you are drunk. Attractiveness is key to successful dating. However don’t become a tit because no one likes a tit because they are jarring.

 

10. A beach – Fun in the sun is always a hit, plus you can look at your date in minimal clothing. PLEASE DON’T LEACH ON ANY OTHER TALENT ON THE BEACH. This will make your date feel small and replaceable.

 

Daphne X