It happened. We can now all die happy. Life has reached peak. It cannot get any better. The maximum pleasure level is amongst us. Pippa Middleton is married. The magical man who took her dating, up until marriage was James Matthews, big brother of Spencer from Made in Chelsea fame, that big old pile of shite.
The Royal Box
It was of course, the wedding of the century. Okay, lets be real, no it wasn’t. That title belongs to literally anyone else. Anyway, Pippa’s dating career has been extensively followed and documented by this blog. She has excited me with her dating life, looking at all the posh toffs she picked up along the way. All the men she has dragged into the Royal Box at Wimbledon.
I don’t mean to be the definition of a ‘bad’ feminist and highlight she might still be a bit miffed she wasn’t the Middleton sister to bag herself a one way ticket into the Royal Family?
Right now, I’m just hoping and praying that in this wedding’s wake there is a increase in fan fiction of Harry and Pippa having a secret affair. This is a free idea and I won’t claim commission on it.
A few months ago, I wrote a piece casting my doubts on rumors regarding a secret romance between Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton. It was clearly a big pile of stinking shit. It was the Daily Mail, or some other dead end rag, on a mad one fantasy. It was dumping out every fan fiction cliché. It was laden with tales of secret meet ups in hotels and the like. It was so ridiculous. It was just so maddening that someone got paid to write it… The cheek of that being someone’s job…
Well, anyway, because your gal is always right, I am here to say, she’s is engaged. She is not engaged to a ginger who loves to dress up in Nazi uniform and be lied to about his paternity but rather James Matthews.
Matthews is the older brother of Made In Chelsea star Spencer, who, again, is someone I have no time for, that whole show I have no time for. I am the target audience of that show; young, female, posh and so on and I just cannot deal with it. It’s just a lot of blinking and eating brunch; two of my favourite past times. It’s just boring. There’s nothing to get me hooked, surprisingly. That’s all you need to know. He’s posh and is banging Pips.
According to reports, Pippa Middleton and Prince Harry have been seeing each other in a romantic capacity for quite some time. Again, this is largely unconfirmed. It does sound like someone at a gossip mag had a bad day and in an attempt to fulfil a weird fantasy of theirs. Ever since they walked down the aisle in Westminster Abbey at Will and Kate’s wedding, people have been obsessed with the notion of them getting together. It’s a bit eye roll inducing. Like, how we are supposed to buy this.
Apparently, he has been armoured with her. The romance has exclusively taken place in her home in London. There are no pictures. Also, no one seems to understand they could just be friends?
I just don’t buy it. However, it could be true. More unbelievable things have happened. I would enjoy how it would annoy the Queen. Everything annoys her. On of the top of that list is the length of Princess Kate’s mini skirts. However, she can’t give fashion advice to anyone. Her outfits are built of one colour. That is only acceptable if its black. Black is the only colour one should wear head to toe.
Calling all titled men! Do you have a public school education? Do you posses a membership to any sort of exclusive private club? Are you somewhat related to the Swedish royal family? If you answered yes to two or more of those questions you should try and track down Ms Pippa Middleton because she wants to go dating. The gal is in desperate need of dating a bloke with most of those qualifications.
My theory is that this gal is on a mission to find a bloke. However, I believe it would be way funnier for Pippa to go out dating with a normal bloke. I mean, one that spends his afternoons down the boozer or at the football. How hilarious would that be? Imagine Pips bringing him home for Christmas while he wears his football strip.
However, this will never happen and if one more person suggests that she needs to get it on with Prince Harry I think I will scream. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! WE DO NOT UNFORTUNATELY LIVE IN A EPISODE OF GOSSIP GIRL WHERE EVERYONE NEATLY MARRIES EACH OTHER FROM THEIR SMALL CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. I mean really has our life come down to this? It’s just a bit pathetic!
Our favourite person to randomly rag on is back! Her older sister, The Duchess (or Duchie, whatever you prefer. I’m not really bovvered) has warned her about her new boyfriend James Matthews.
Can poor Pippa catch a break? I mean it’s not her fault her sister out does her all the time? I mean Kate wins all the competitions. She is the most posh (HELLO SHE HAS A TITLE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!) and let’s be honest she is the prettier one. I mean, she was dating, now married the sexiest prince (apart from Harry, but then she wouldn’t get a big ol’ posh wedding and potentially be Queen soon).
However, one argument in Pippa’s favour is that her man has hair. Prince William can’t really claim to have a full head of hair now can he? She also has a nicer arse. However how far can that get a girl? Well, actually quite far but not in Pippa’s circles. She has Tatler worthy parties to be invited to. I mean she can’t be seen to be using her body commercially in an overtly sexual manner and still have Christmas dinner with Lizzie! One must be dignified to be in that family. Unless you’re Harry…
In the past 9 months she has been rumoured to be dating various suitors. From HRH Prince Harry to her latest speculated flame heir, George Percy who is in line to inherit the Duchy of Northumberland. Not as impressive as her sister Kate’s high profile dating history (dating Wills out does anyone else who snags a aristocrat in the dating game).
George Percy is an Old Etonian whose ancestor Henry the 6th earl fell in love with Anne Boleyn who was later stolen by Henry VIII. Can’t imagine Anne and their dating life was as cushy as ol’ Pips and Georgie’s is now. However you could just imagine the public school lovers getting on brilliantly. They could exchange times about their respective times at Marlborough and Eton, both G20 schools and world renowned institutions of excellence. Maybe spending his teenage years without girls, for the most part,Â make dating an exciting concept still?
Henry is not the only cursed Percy. The 9th Earl after a scandal flew to Warwickshire where government officials shot at him and banished him to the Tower of London for 17 years and was forced to pay a fine of Â£30,000. Should Pippa be dating a man with such an unlucky family history? Or is this a thrill due her rumoured lover’s riveting history a big dating turn on?
George has a pad in Kensington however does not like to mingle with the nightclub ‘Made In Chelsea’ set and runs a alternative energy seeking company with Algy Cluff, an ex-tycoon. They plan to come up with a cheap and cleaner solution to our problem on relying on fossil fuels. His family leads a very low key life, for instance one of his sister’s is a tennis coach. His oldest sister Lady Katie recently married Patrick Valentine after lots of dating.
I wish George and Pippa a very successful dating career none the less. They could decide they are not each other’s soul mates even then I hope they are happy. Let’s hope Pippa and George’s relationship and dating is more successful than Henry’s! The whole country will be awaiting their decision.