Unorthodox ways to spend time dating

  • Have a picnic in a graveyard – This one is particularly weird for a first date option. It says that you’re ready to discuss the finite nature of living, however, it also declares you are a big fat weirdo. Dating may not be for you. Or it might! Who am I to judge. It’s just a word of warning, keep that in mind.

 

 

  • Go for a STI check up – It’s a bit forward. However, without being a bit presumptuous, we’d never get anywhere in life, particularly when it comes to dating.  We might as well air all our dirty little secrets, as soon as possible. BETTER NOW THAN NEVER! It shows very clearly that you value each others time and bodies.

 

Dating may not be for you!

 

  • Your grandmother’s funeral – This is not the same as luncheon in a cemetery, as a dating option. You may feel differently, that’s fine. This is more of a sign that you’re a bit of a co dependent, but whatever.

 

 

  • The laundrette – Personally, this could be viewed as a romantic, nostalgic way to get to know each other in a dating capacity. However, it could also be viewed as weird. They may not want to see your undies.

 

Daphne X

Disney Princes I would go dating with

  • Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid) – He is at the top of list for most. He might not, however, be the most gentleman like in a dating situation. He’s a bit blinded by the hunt for perfection. BUT HEY, HE HAS NICE EYES.

 

 

 

 

  • Hercules (Hercules) – okay, not technically a prince, but rather a demigod, but pendants are not welcome on this channel. OKAY? He just would be swell, because he has a flying horse. Anyone with a flying horse, I will hunt for your digits and go dating with you. He also is pals with Danny Devito, a legitimate comedy legend.

 

 

 

 

  • Simba (The Lion King) – No, I don’t fancy lions. However, who said dating is a romantic event? I just want to hang out with a cute and fluffy lion, platonically. CAN’T A GIRL LIVE? I always perceive vicious attacks from my loyal readership base.

 

 

 

 

  • Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty) – The geezer who randomly starts dancing with Sleeping Beauty is fiiiiiiiiiiine. His namesake, HRH of Edinburgh, on the other hand is not. Racism and being 93 doesn’t equal dating potential, even in a platonic/lion way.

 

 

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

Blind Date is back!

 

Blind Date is back! It’s showing on Saturday nights on Channel Five. As the previous host, Ms Cilla Black, is now dead, they’ve got her rumoured pal Paul O’Grady to do the honours. The classic dating show has been revived for the masses.

 

 

Blind Date with Cilla Black

 

 

To be honest, I’ve not watched it. I have no desire to watch it. I have vague memories from my childhood, watching it with my granny. It showed me that dating never really seemed to go well. As I grew up, I realised it was mostly the way it was portrayed on reality television.

 

Rather Endearing

 

I wonder if my sister is watching it. She’s a big old sucker for rubbish dating shows. Her favourite, of all time, is First Dates. I do have to admit, it is rather endearing. It has a much better rate of second dates compared to its similar counterparts, like the travesty that is Dinner Date.

 

 

Blind Date with Paul O'Grady

 

 

As touched upon countless times, that dating show is a thorn in my side. Every episode of that god awful show has been a complete dud. Sure, I enjoy it while its happening, but afterwards I feel dirty, like one feels after a Dominoes’ pizza.

 

Daphne X

 

Disney Princes I would not go dating with

  • The Geezer from Snow White (Snow White) – First of all, this dickhead has no name. That would be the definition of aggro. Additionally, any bloke that goes about kissing dead girls is a freak. He needs to be locked up and not shown to small children. Also, on a kinda unrelated note, Snow White is a rubbish film. It’s scary and not funny and creepy. There are other iconic films to squander your time with.

 

 

Prince from Snow White

 

 

He Probably Smells

 

  • Beast (Beauty And The Beast) – Right, I’ve heard a lot of ladies, some of which are my pals, my good pals, say they fancy the beast. Right, that is different from wanting to jam with a lion. He is not dating or friend material. He has anger issues and, let’s face it, probably smells. I’ve got no way of confirming this statement, but it just rings to true to me.

 

 

Prince from Beauty and the Beast

 

 

  • Aladdin – This fine piece of ass is bad news for those wanting to get into the dating game. Why, I don’t hear you ask? He has not come to terms with who he is, and will lie to get into your pants. Ladies, we deserve more than men who don’t love themselves, and think it is both wise and acceptable to fib. NO TO FIBBING! Didn’t his mother tell him to tell the truth? To be fair, she might be dead.

 

 

Prince Aladdin

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

Things You Don’t Want Your Date To Do

 

  • Refuse to speak to you in a language you do not understand – Okay, okay, maybe this rule can be broken. However, mainly, stick to a dating dialect both parties are involved intimately with. It just not allowing for effective and efficient communication. Speaking is, really, so people can get messages across.

 

 

Things You Don't Want Your Date To Do

 

 

  • Eat an Onion and Garlic Sandwich – This one is not specifically a dating don’t, its more of a life don’t. If you must, please carry a pack of gum, toothpaste, a toothbrush and mouth wash with you at all times. THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. I just can’t be with you if this is your life path. Don’t date me, don’t look at me and definitely do not breathe on me. You sick fuck.

 

For the love of dating

 

  • Own a copy of Viz – Just please, for the love of all that’s dating. Do you want people to think you’re a fool? Well, I’m just going to assume you are one, and I want nothing to do with that. That’s it, you’ve become a that.

 

  • Steal Your Thunder – Just don’t. Don’t do it. You are the worst at dating if you do that. You just should not be allowed to go dating.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Lisa Rinna is the Queen of Dating

Lisa Rinna is a modern icon. She is the Mona Lisa. Her lips, her eyes and her crazy conduct. She is the queen of dating too. I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HER HUSBAND? She’s been married to Harry Hamlin, an actor, who was once voted People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. This may not be true, but I think they said it on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

 

 

Lisa Rinna

 

 

A Modern Icon

 

I want her to come to my dating blog headquarters, and write a Pulitzer Prize winning article about how to catch yourself a catch like Mister Harry Hamlin. He is so the kind of bloke you want to be dating. He doesn’t mind that his wife goes around, on international television, cracking jokes about his meat. It’s not even water of his beautifully sculpted back.

 

 

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin

 

 

She is the most enviable of the Beverly Hills lot, apart from Erika, who does a little bit too much travelling for me. I’m too much of a homebody to want her life. SO PLEASE, LISA RINNA, COME AND PLAY WITH ME AND TEACH THE MASSES ABOUT DATING. This is a public service announcement. When I say public, I mean the world health.

 

Daphne X

 

Are Bella Thorne and Scott Disick dating?

There is some dated dating news coming your way. Apparently, Bella Thorne and Scott Disick are some weird, perverted couple. They have been spotted canoodling in a very gross way. It is this way because she is a child, and he is a adult, with three children.

 

Bella Thorne

 

To those without small children, or whatever, Bella is a ex Disney Channel starlet. I’ve not got the foggiest idea who she is. She is the Miley Cyrus for girls about seven years younger than me. Her dating life is a expose of preteen Hollywood lust targets. These men’s names are irrelevant to me, and my life. I value myself so I don’t bother to look them up, forget remembering them.

 

 

Scott Disick

 

 

Baby Daddy

 

Scott is Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy. In addition, he is a professional hot mess. His dating habits have been getting him in hot water with his weird, extended family. He has justification for being a hot mess, both his parents died, quite near of each other. Please note, I refuse to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians because him and Kourtney are no longer an item. This is actually a blessing in disguise. The Kardashians fall from grace, in my eyes, has allowed me to rediscover The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/New York City.

 

Daphne X

 

 

5 dating ideas that rhyme with the word ‘dating’

 

1. Skating – this can be both on ice, or solid ground. It might be a general nuisance, and all over danger to the general public, but who cares? YOU’RE WINNING BY HAVING SOMEONE LOVE YOU. When your dating, you’re winning.

 

dating couple out skating

 

2. Orating – Go stand on the podium in Hyde Park, channelling your inner Prime Minister William Gladstone, and just let your wildest ideas come pouring out your big fat gob. Hey, when your dating… If not in the London area, go stand on your mum’s doorstep.

3. Grating – Cook yourself and your hunny a glorious Italian feast, and then sprinkle some finely grated fromage on your spag bol. Pay no mind that he or she may be vegan. WHEN YOURE DATING!

4. Painting – I saw this dating idea on Buzzfeed, because I am a young person, and that is where all young people get their news. All their true news, as well.

 

dating couple out painting

 

5. Fainting – This is dating concept that dates back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. Channel your inner Ms Monroe, and just faint when it all gets a little bit too overwhelming.

 

I AM A DATING POET, AND I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME IF I DID OR DID NOT ALREADY KNOW IT!

Daphne X

 

TV show Dinner Date is the biggest con!

I know, I already touched upon this, but I needed to expand on the matter. The TV show Dinner Date is the biggest con of the 21st century. It’s the most heart breaking dating show on television.

 

happy couple on tv show dinner date

 

Lured in for 43 mins

For approximately 43 minutes, you are lured into thinking that one of three people is going to woo one person, who by the way is robbing two three course dinners off poor horny people, and fall in love and live happily ever after! Does this ever happen? No, not to my knowledge.

 

another happy couple on tv show dinner date

 

Second hand dating

It’s just the worst kind of second hand dating pain. The episode always ends with the cozy scene in the restaurant. They’re having a grand old time, say there’s a spark and so on and so on. However, never have I seen them say, THING 1 AND THING 2 GOT MARRIED AND HAD BABIES! Now, that might be jumping the gun a wee bit, however, they never even see each other again.

 

 

It begs the question, why?

It’s outrageous. It begs the question, why would you even go on that show? The probability your week of dating will pay off is so low, its like why even bother in the first place? The world is a strange place!

 

Daphne X

 

 

Taylor Swift back in the dating game

Appaz, the word on the grape vine, Taylor Swift is dating some bloke called Joe Alwyn. JA, as I’m going to refer to him from now, until I forget, is seemingly presenting himself as an actor. I’ve got no clue as if this is an accurate title. WHO AM I TO JUDGE? Oh just a member of the established press. He need to make an impression on me, before he does anything. I make people like him.

 

Joe Alwyn

 

Dating In Secret

Anyway, to keep their dating a secret, lots of measures were put in the place. OH WELL, THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG NOW, INNIT? I won’t be juvenile and point out that she might write ten thousand songs about him.

 

Taylor Swift

 

Anyway, T Swizzle is one of the people, like Pippa and Justin, who’s dating life I’ve followed in great detail. Well not great detail, nothing I do on this is in great detail. It’s celebrity dating. IT’S NOT THAT DEEP, INNIT? An album from her is well over due. She is now 3 years maturer since the release of 1989. DON’T LET KIM KARDASHIAN WEST RUIN YOUR CAREER! POST A NUDE SELFIE AND GET ON WITH THE MUSIC!!!!!!

Daphne X