Blind Date is back! It’s showing on Saturday nights on Channel Five. As the previous host, Ms Cilla Black, is now dead, they’ve got her rumoured pal Paul O’Grady to do the honours. The classic dating show has been revived for the masses.
To be honest, I’ve not watched it. I have no desire to watch it. I have vague memories from my childhood, watching it with my granny. It showed me that dating never really seemed to go well. As I grew up, I realised it was mostly the way it was portrayed on reality television.
I wonder if my sister is watching it. She’s a big old sucker for rubbish dating shows. Her favourite, of all time, is First Dates. I do have to admit, it is rather endearing. It has a much better rate of second dates compared to its similar counterparts, like the travesty that is Dinner Date.
As touched upon countless times, that dating show is a thorn in my side. Every episode of that god awful show has been a complete dud. Sure, I enjoy it while its happening, but afterwards I feel dirty, like one feels after a Dominoes’ pizza.
Lisa Rinna is a modern icon. She is the Mona Lisa. Her lips, her eyes and her crazy conduct. She is the queen of dating too. I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HER HUSBAND? She’s been married to Harry Hamlin, an actor, who was once voted People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. This may not be true, but I think they said it on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
A Modern Icon
I want her to come to my dating blog headquarters, and write a Pulitzer Prize winning article about how to catch yourself a catch like Mister Harry Hamlin. He is so the kind of bloke you want to be dating. He doesn’t mind that his wife goes around, on international television, cracking jokes about his meat. It’s not even water of his beautifully sculpted back.
She is the most enviable of the Beverly Hills lot, apart from Erika, who does a little bit too much travelling for me. I’m too much of a homebody to want her life. SO PLEASE, LISA RINNA, COME AND PLAY WITH ME AND TEACH THE MASSES ABOUT DATING. This is a public service announcement. When I say public, I mean the world health.
There is some dated dating news coming your way. Apparently, Bella Thorne and Scott Disick are some weird, perverted couple. They have been spotted canoodling in a very gross way. It is this way because she is a child, and he is a adult, with three children.
To those without small children, or whatever, Bella is a ex Disney Channel starlet. I’ve not got the foggiest idea who she is. She is the Miley Cyrus for girls about seven years younger than me. Her dating life is a expose of preteen Hollywood lust targets. These men’s names are irrelevant to me, and my life. I value myself so I don’t bother to look them up, forget remembering them.
Scott is Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy. In addition, he is a professional hot mess. His dating habits have been getting him in hot water with his weird, extended family. He has justification for being a hot mess, both his parents died, quite near of each other. Please note, I refuse to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians because him and Kourtney are no longer an item. This is actually a blessing in disguise. The Kardashians fall from grace, in my eyes, has allowed me to rediscover The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/New York City.
1. Skating – this can be both on ice, or solid ground. It might be a general nuisance, and all over danger to the general public, but who cares? YOU’RE WINNING BY HAVING SOMEONE LOVE YOU. When your dating, you’re winning.
2. Orating – Go stand on the podium in Hyde Park, channelling your inner Prime Minister William Gladstone, and just let your wildest ideas come pouring out your big fat gob. Hey, when your dating… If not in the London area, go stand on your mum’s doorstep.
3. Grating – Cook yourself and your hunny a glorious Italian feast, and then sprinkle some finely grated fromage on your spag bol. Pay no mind that he or she may be vegan. WHEN YOURE DATING!
4. Painting – I saw this dating idea on Buzzfeed, because I am a young person, and that is where all young people get their news. All their true news, as well.
5. Fainting – This is dating concept that dates back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. Channel your inner Ms Monroe, and just faint when it all gets a little bit too overwhelming.
I AM A DATING POET, AND I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME IF I DID OR DID NOT ALREADY KNOW IT!
I know, I already touched upon this, but I needed to expand on the matter. The TV show Dinner Date is the biggest con of the 21st century. It’s the most heart breaking dating show on television.
Lured in for 43 mins
For approximately 43 minutes, you are lured into thinking that one of three people is going to woo one person, who by the way is robbing two three course dinners off poor horny people, and fall in love and live happily ever after! Does this ever happen? No, not to my knowledge.
Second hand dating
It’s just the worst kind of second hand dating pain. The episode always ends with the cozy scene in the restaurant. They’re having a grand old time, say there’s a spark and so on and so on. However, never have I seen them say, THING 1 AND THING 2 GOT MARRIED AND HAD BABIES! Now, that might be jumping the gun a wee bit, however, they never even see each other again.
It begs the question, why?
It’s outrageous. It begs the question, why would you even go on that show? The probability your week of dating will pay off is so low, its like why even bother in the first place? The world is a strange place!
Appaz, the word on the grape vine, Taylor Swift is dating some bloke called Joe Alwyn. JA, as I’m going to refer to him from now, until I forget, is seemingly presenting himself as an actor. I’ve got no clue as if this is an accurate title. WHO AM I TO JUDGE? Oh just a member of the established press. He need to make an impression on me, before he does anything. I make people like him.
Dating In Secret
Anyway, to keep their dating a secret, lots of measures were put in the place. OH WELL, THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG NOW, INNIT? I won’t be juvenile and point out that she might write ten thousand songs about him.
Anyway, T Swizzle is one of the people, like Pippa and Justin, who’s dating life I’ve followed in great detail. Well not great detail, nothing I do on this is in great detail. It’s celebrity dating. IT’S NOT THAT DEEP, INNIT? An album from her is well over due. She is now 3 years maturer since the release of 1989. DON’T LET KIM KARDASHIAN WEST RUIN YOUR CAREER! POST A NUDE SELFIE AND GET ON WITH THE MUSIC!!!!!!