Daphne’s Top Dating Tips

 

Dating Dos

 

  • Do show up

  • Do be on time

  • Do Be polite

  • Do be a human being

  • Do offer to pay

  • Do speak about how much you love beer

  • Do remember your dogs aren’t going to be dating each other

  • Do remember what she said

  • Do tell her she’s insane if she likes David Icke, the BNP or the Daily Mail

  • Do just eat your own food

 

 

 

 

 

Dating Don’ts

 

  • Don’t speak over

  • Don’t talk about how your fulfilling the dating dos

  • Don’t do a runner, if in a restaurant

  • Don’t offer to pay

  • Don’t say how bad you are at dating

  • Don’t say how good you are at dating

  • Don’t cry

  • Don’t repeat yourself

  • Don’t say you hate your mum

  • Don’t mention how much of a crazy lady/guy your ex is

  • Don’t touch in the first five seconds

  • Don’t pinch her

  • Don’t challenge anyone to a running race

  • Don’t invite out on a second date if you’re not going to attend

  • Don’t tell her shes insane

  • Don’t order spaghetti, and insist on reenacting the Lady and Tramp scene

 

Daphne X

 

 

How to tell if you are dating a scrub

 

  • Does the guy you are dating “THINK HE IS FLY?

 

  • Does the guy are you dating, “ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS, AND THEN SITS ON HIS BROKE ASS?”

 

 

 

 

If this is true, this is the beginning signs that he is potentially a scrub. However, it is not too late. Also there is a bigger list of qualifications for scrub-hood.

 

  • Does he go around “HANGING OUT THE SIDE OF HIS BEST FRIEND’S RIDE, TRYING TO HOLLER?”

 

This is a problem not just for you and the person you are dating. But also is a worldwide safety issue. Also, it makes you look like a bell end for condoning this behaviour. So, this might not actually any person you can save. I suggest running, but I’m not your puppet master, so you do you, boo.

 

Lives with his Mommy!

 

It does get worse, it gets much worse, and it has reached that point once you had got to the point of return is when the scrub does not actually scrub anything and he “LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS MOMMA.”

 

 

 

 

Of course, in this economic day and age, we must still live with our parents, and not all of us are lucky enough to not. However, if this is an active choice, and she cleans his room, tidies up all his shit and he never cooks, RUN THE FUCK AWAY. I warned you, girl.

 

Advice courtesy of TLC – No Scrubs

 

 

Things You Don’t Want Your Date To Do

 

  • Refuse to speak to you in a language you do not understand – Okay, okay, maybe this rule can be broken. However, mainly, stick to a dating dialect both parties are involved intimately with. It just not allowing for effective and efficient communication. Speaking is, really, so people can get messages across.

 

 

Things You Don't Want Your Date To Do

 

 

  • Eat an Onion and Garlic Sandwich – This one is not specifically a dating don’t, its more of a life don’t. If you must, please carry a pack of gum, toothpaste, a toothbrush and mouth wash with you at all times. THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. I just can’t be with you if this is your life path. Don’t date me, don’t look at me and definitely do not breathe on me. You sick fuck.

 

For the love of dating

 

  • Own a copy of Viz – Just please, for the love of all that’s dating. Do you want people to think you’re a fool? Well, I’m just going to assume you are one, and I want nothing to do with that. That’s it, you’ve become a that.

 

  • Steal Your Thunder – Just don’t. Don’t do it. You are the worst at dating if you do that. You just should not be allowed to go dating.

 

Daphne X

 

 

5 dating ideas that rhyme with the word ‘dating’

 

1. Skating – this can be both on ice, or solid ground. It might be a general nuisance, and all over danger to the general public, but who cares? YOU’RE WINNING BY HAVING SOMEONE LOVE YOU. When your dating, you’re winning.

 

dating couple out skating

 

2. Orating – Go stand on the podium in Hyde Park, channelling your inner Prime Minister William Gladstone, and just let your wildest ideas come pouring out your big fat gob. Hey, when your dating… If not in the London area, go stand on your mum’s doorstep.

3. Grating – Cook yourself and your hunny a glorious Italian feast, and then sprinkle some finely grated fromage on your spag bol. Pay no mind that he or she may be vegan. WHEN YOURE DATING!

4. Painting – I saw this dating idea on Buzzfeed, because I am a young person, and that is where all young people get their news. All their true news, as well.

 

dating couple out painting

 

5. Fainting – This is dating concept that dates back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. Channel your inner Ms Monroe, and just faint when it all gets a little bit too overwhelming.

 

I AM A DATING POET, AND I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME IF I DID OR DID NOT ALREADY KNOW IT!

Daphne X

 

I don’t understand the appeal of dating apps.

Stars are just like they us! They too, hate the dehumanizing process of swiping on total strangers. These people might be the nicest, most loveliest people in the world. However, because of the way they lay their photos out, I wouldn’t be caught dead dating them. I personally don’t understand the appeal of dating apps, but want to run away screaming from them.

 

Charlize Theron

 

Charlize Theron shares this sentiment. She doesn’t get the hype and finds them all so weird. They really are! I mean, its just swiping people, and then getting lumbered with an awkward conversation with Joe, 23 who lives in Greenwich, and works as a financial broker in the City. By the way, this is posh talk for he works in a call center.

 

Chelsea Handler

 

Toot the dating apps horn

A lot of my friends toot the dating apps horn, which I get. Personally, they aren’t for me. However, the appeal is apparent, if you extend your cob webbed ears. They provide a safe environment for talking to people you do not know. This is often invaluable to women. I’ve no clue how men feel on the matter. She was pushed towards them by her friend, and comedian, Chelsea Handler. Handler is known for her descriptions of her sexual exploits.

Daphne X

 

5 Crappy Places To Go On A First Date

1. Your house – You will look like a date rapist. Okay, perhaps not, but seriously, you’re putting your intentions very much on the line. We get it. You want to get in the girl’s pants. Please try and be less obvious.

2. Your mum’s house – This is kinda the same as the 1st one, but a little less sexual predatory. Instead, its a bit more keen. We may not want to be in a relationship with you and we don’t even know you, so we don’t need to know your mum just yet. She may, and probably is, a great gal. A little too soon. Wait a few months, please.

 

crappy first date

 

3. Victoria’s Secret – Any undergarment/lingerie store, really, is a bit odd. Again, you’re doing an awful job of hiding your intentions. Your a bloke, we know and understand your motivations for wanting to be with us, but at the same time, you’re not just animal and we deserve more than you creepily eyeing up lacy pants and fluffy bras. Stop and go outside and look for a Starbucks. We would be grateful for that.

4. A sporting game – Unless, stated otherwise. Girls can like sports. Even worse, if with all your friends and the girl knows nothing about said sport. Men and sports tends to be a bit boring after a while.

5. Anything in a group – No, no one wants their first date to be an outing with you and all your Neanderthal pals. Again, unless this has been cleared.

 

5 Things To Do For Date Night In London

1. Go to your local – Don’t listen to that bird from Shaun of the Dead, the local is a more than adequate location for date night. This is London. Travel is expensive and drinks are half the price than they are in SoHo.

2. Soho – It’s a legendary night spot in Central London. You will have to pay at least nine pounds for a Moscow Mule. This is part of the deal of living in the capital; whining about obscenely priced alcoholic beverages and Uber rides. It’s something you must get to understand about this god forsaken city. If you don’t like it, go back to the North.

 

Dating in London

 

3. Boardgame Café – My weird flatmate swears by this. She’s weird. She hates boardgames. She is just a bit of a fan of eccentric places.

4. Nandos – There are vegan options and very good for a hangover. Also, got the approval of my flatmate.

5. Some shitty cocktail bar in Peckham – See the reason for hitting up Soho. It’s just a cheaper Uber ride home. Plus, you can get rid of your white guilt of spending time in an area dominated by ethnic minorities.

 

5 top dating tips

It’s time for a refresher in Daphne’s tippy top dating tips. This time its all about keeping the spark in a established relationship.

5 top dating tips

  1. Pick a TV show and watch it when you’re together – One you’ve never seen before and one you won’t watch without them.

  2. Don’t expect perfection – remember they are human and make mistakes.

  3. Believe in them – don’t put them down and tell them.

  4. Support them – sometimes this means a little bit of nagging.

  5. Feed them – people get hungry and need to fixed.

 

5 Films To Watch With Your Almost Boyfriend

  1. Die Hard – Your potential man, the one who only really sees you as a fuck buddy, will rate you because you are a very good actor so you convince him into thinking you have a crush on Bruce Willis too. Also, it convinces him you might like to have a gun fight. But don’t forget to wear a floral print, to remind him you’re a woman and not his buddy Joe. Don’t let him think you’re Joe. Joe is a professional wasteman. He can’t do his own laundry.

5 Films To Watch With Your Almost Boyfriend

 

  1. Paranormal Activity – You can test out his level of caring when you pretend to be scared at this pitiful attempt of a horror film, while not actually giving yourself nightmares, so don’t watch any critically acclaimed; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the like.

  2. Your second favourite Disney film – To suss out if you’re good enough in bed to make him sit through any princess classic.

  3. The God Father Trilogy – See 1, also makes you seem like a chill girl.

  1. Iron Man – See 1 and 4.

 

 

Choosing Between Subscription or Free Dating Sites

There are several differences between free dating sites and paid dating sites which are not always so easy to distinguish. For example, several paid membership dating sites will offer access to their services for free for a limited period, after which, unless they receive payment, your profile will either be deleted or alternatively, your use of the site will be seriously restricted (for example, you may be able to keep your profile picture and message on the site but will most probably be unable to exchange messages with full paid members).

 

Subscription Dating Sites

 

However, free dating sites still offer their services on a membership registration basis but offer their service absolutely free, their overheads being covered by advertisers who sponsor or place ads on the site.

Whilst free dating sites may not always feature layouts which are flashy and interactive, most are very user friendly and allow members to post their profiles, message each other and register notes of interest in the same manner as paid sites. Furthermore, their monitoring and professionalism of service is likely to equate to those of paid sites and as they accept no payments from members, their motivation and purpose is arguably purer too.

Of course, as any exchange of goods or service which involves payment and profit is subject to market forces and inflation, the fees for membership of paid sites may rise, whereas free dating sites are unaffected by commercial pressures such as competition as well as financial factors.

 

Free Dating Sites

 

However, the main difference can be found in the quality of the service that subscription websites offer – if it is quality you are after then paid is the only way to go.

At datingforgirls.net we sincerely hope that you choose to keep your dating free from stress, for a healthy love life and a quality subscription service then you need look no further.