My new favourite dating show is a crash course in car crash television. It is Channel 5’s latest offering; Make Or Break. This show is so bad, that is actually amazing. It was clearly devised so quickly to fill the cavernous cavity left by Love Island; a show I feel blessed to have missed.
The producers at Channel 5 must have sent out a brief that was something like the following; ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE WHO EMOTIONALLY ABUSES YOU CONSTANTLY? IF SO, WE’LL BUY YOU A FREE HOLIDAY TO MEXICO SO WE CAN HUMILIATE YOU.
It’s full of the same fame hungry people that just want to boost their Twitter followers. There’s the typical fare of regional accents; Essex, Geordies and the like, plus some token posh people. Two people, who are clearly the laughing stock of their professions, which includes sex therapy and behavioural psychology. I’ve forgotten their names.
It’s the type of colour coded couple show that makes you happy to be single, or if you’re loved up, it makes you so grateful that you’re not dating such a big twat as these people. Because one of the many dating rules I subscribe to is never dating someone who has appeared on Channel 5.
I know, I already touched upon this, but I needed to expand on the matter. The TV show Dinner Date is the biggest con of the 21st century. It’s the most heart breaking dating show on television.
Lured in for 43 mins
For approximately 43 minutes, you are lured into thinking that one of three people is going to woo one person, who by the way is robbing two three course dinners off poor horny people, and fall in love and live happily ever after! Does this ever happen? No, not to my knowledge.
Second hand dating
It’s just the worst kind of second hand dating pain. The episode always ends with the cozy scene in the restaurant. They’re having a grand old time, say there’s a spark and so on and so on. However, never have I seen them say, THING 1 AND THING 2 GOT MARRIED AND HAD BABIES! Now, that might be jumping the gun a wee bit, however, they never even see each other again.
It begs the question, why?
It’s outrageous. It begs the question, why would you even go on that show? The probability your week of dating will pay off is so low, its like why even bother in the first place? The world is a strange place!
The other day, I had a discussion with this girl and her mum about Amber Heard. They were unsure of the validity of her domestic violence claims. I SHUT THOSE JOKERS DOWN! Johnny Depp fan girls and boys don’t come at me. YOU WILL GET CUT! I firmly, and politely, reminded her that she was not there and doesn’t know Amber nor Johnny. Plus, she donated all her settlement to a domestic abuse charity.
Soooooooo, she’s a boss lady. Sometimes the person you’re dating/married to can become a violent basket case. PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED, Y’ALL. THIS MAKES DATING VERY COMPLICATED. This is because dating is activity exclusively carried out by humans. And before all you animal activists get on my case, show me a dog taking his dog lady to a cinema to see the anniversary showing of Love, Actually, and then I’ll retract my statement.
Anyway, this conversation, or verbal beat down was fun and I thought you would all appreciate it. This website is very pro Amber Heard. Particularly in the dating arena. It turns out she is dating Elon Musk. He’s mad rich and mad smart. You go girl. May the dating force be with you.
Bloggers of the world, are we really a pathetic bunch of sad saps that we need to just churn out complete and utter dating news shite? Having just got done brushing through, barely really, an article about Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington not dating. All just a rumour concocted by some lazy, bored idiot in their bedroom.
Game of Thrones
Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington star on the hit HBO show Game of Thrones. Clarke plays the Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi. Kit Harington plays Jon Snow. Don’t watch GOT so was disappointed when I found out that he doesn’t portray that lovable Channel 4 News anchor. They aren’t dating on the show.
Anyway, MEDIA OUTLETS OF THE WORLD! IF PEOPLE ARE ON A TELEVISION PROGRAMME TOGETHER, IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE DATING. It might mean that they are boinking. I’ve no idea what they are. I do get its fun to speculate. Maybe, I’m just calling the pot black, or whatever that expression is. WHO KNOWS, OR EVEN CARES? Does anyone care about anything? What is the point of it all? Anyway, I must go and eat my tea. It’s calling my name.
There’s a new, well new to me, dating show that I completely forgot to mention! The E4 show Celebs Go Dating is back for a second series. Perhaps, I am growing up, but E4 is just full of shite. All the shows I’ve seen on their recently is just dire. Rich Kids of Instagram is particularly bad.
How dumb is Joey Essex?
The first go had Stephanie Pratt (yawn!), Charlotte Crosby, and Joey Essex all have their fair share at dating the general public. Quick Q alert; is Joey Essex one of the dumbest or one of the smartest people alive? The world may never know… There is great debate surrounding this topic, but the answer is inconclusive.
I think my friend played it for me. However, the details about their dating escape me. Anyway, the general premise that these top notch celebrities go dating with the great unwashed. We all know about how the elect loves to hate the hoi paloi. I SHOULD KNOW I AM A MEMBER! We can barely tolerate you twats, let alone go dating with you. However, we do and we must. If we didn’t date you, it’d get a little First World War Era Royal Families, if you get what I mean….
GUESS WHAT HAS JUST BECOME SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE? THE CONSTANT BANGING OUT OF CHRISTMAS SONGS! Yup, it’s that time of year again, the post Thanksgiving haze, where it is okay to blare out All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey. You can even mix it up with a wee bit of the The Pogues, a tad of Cliff Richard and a lot of Wham! WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ALL THOSE ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT ARE OLDER THAN SOME OF MY PARENTS. Newer Christmas songs aren’t as good as the shitty ones from the 1980s and1990s. My sister likes reggae versions of traditional carols. THERE IS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE! Gah, I just love it.
It’s not near enough for Christmas movies. We’ve got to wait until December for that gubbins. My favourite Christmas film is White Christmas but I’m a old lady in the body of a 21 year old, so that’s not very surprising. My least favourite has to be, controversially, Home Alone. It just does not float my boat. However, on actual Christmas, my favourite thing to do is to watch old school non Christmas themed movies, like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
If you are a Donald Trump supporter, you’re an idiot and have been told by your faithful leader to vote on the 28th. He is correct. That is the day votes for him are being counted and verified. Hillary Clinton supporters are expected to turn out on the 8th of November. This day, it will only be possible to vote for her, no one else.
If you intend to vote for Jill Stein or the other bloke, you’re an idiot and should not be entitled to call yourself an adult. Seriously, this a really under addressed issue! Third and fourth party voters are letting the side down. If you desire to keep that orangutan out of the highest office in the world, please don’t vote for them. If you care about young people, minorities, women and the environment, don’t vote Green. Vote for someone who can actually bring that to be.
However, knowing my editor and publishing team, this will be published after the election. If Trump has won, can you please come and rescue me from the tower he’s locked me in, after he declared himself leader of the world and banned any comparisons to apes, past, present and future.
I know in a previous post I added fuel to the fire, but can we just get over the Brangelina divorce? Unless, you are family member, friend or co worker, your capacity to care, to the level we all seem to be, should not be so high. You don’t know them. You’ve never spoken to them. Yes, you’re allowed to care about whatever you want. I just want you to know, I’m judging you. Hard!
Yes, one of my motivating factors is that there isn’t a lot less going on in celebrity gossip land. This is honestly dominating the first page of Google when you put “Celebrity news” into the search bar. It’s draining. I’m bored. I can’t cope.
This is a 24 hours new cycle society we are living in. Shouldn’t something else has happened in the meantime? It’s been nearly two days. Hasn’t something interesting happened to a Victoria’s Secret model in the meantime? No? None of them having given birth? I swear they are all pregnant and ready to pop at any moment. However, that’s too nice to spend too much time dwelling on. We love a story about loss, destruction and divorce. It’s better, innit? We’re sick.
This is a public service announcement. Actually, no this is a public service DEMAND! Can please make a collective decision, as consumers of mindless pop culture and celebrity dating stories, to stop speculating about Jennifer Aniston’s opinion on the breakdown of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage. The woman is happily married. Her life will not and does not have to be the exact same as Rachel Green’s. She is, shock horror, a completely different person from the character she plays on Friends, that TV show that will forever be the thing you put on when you can’t decide what to watch.
Please, I beg you, stop with the memes of her face. The New York Post, while not the most refined news source, made their front page a rather inflated and unflattering photo of Jen’s face.
Now, I’m not really one for advocating Jennifer Aniston isn’t worth a bit of satire, but this is so unbelievably irrelevant. It is a bad source of comedy. If you’re shit out luck regarding material, just copy Jerry Seinfeld. Seriously, just wave your hands and complain about something. It’s a classic for a reason. Just stop this nonsense.