Recently, and when I say recently, I mean about 20 minutes ago, before I ate my tea, I read an article about Emma Stone dating either her ex flame Andrew Garfield or Jake Gyllenhaal. This is prosperous.
Best of Friends
Right, my in-depth research about Taylor Swift determines that Emma is best friends with her. TS also wrote my all time favourite Taylor Swift album, Red, about her relationship with Jake. Now, maybe, TS is long over it. There is a precedent of Taylor not being mad about her best pals shagging her old news. Gigi Hadid briefly dated Joe Jonas, who Taylor Swift wrote Forever and Always about. On a side note, why would you want to go out with Joe? He shares DNA with Kevin Jonas.
While regarding the matter of Andrew Garfield, the reasoning was that he gave Emma a standing ovation at the Academy Awards. MAYBE, THEY ARE JUST PALS AND DON’T HOLD GRUDGES LIKE FIVE YEAR OLDS? Perhaps, they are back together. Maybe, a more updated source has already covered this dating news in better and more accurate ways. WHO KNOWS? AND WHO CARES?
Here is a comprehensive list of things you must do if you find yourself taking me, or any like-minded lady on a date. These are not optional. They are an essential part of dating me.
New and improved checklist
- A brain – this is actually pretty useful for life in general, not just dating yours truly. I’ve no idea where you’ve got to go to pick one of these beauties up from. Try Tesco.
- Tolerance for musical theatre – You must, annually, see one show with me. This is an essential part of dating You also must be capable of knowing the difference between the work of Rodgers & Hammerstein and that of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Bonus points for being aware of Howard Ashman and Alan Menken. They are tres important.
- Shoes – You must own a pair of shoes, if we are involved in a dating capacity. You, however, are expected to remove them if you want to sit on my bed, with socks. Feet are grim. You may take them off, with permission.
- Feel no desire to come shopping with me – WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE DATING CLOTHES SHOPPING. Clothes shopping is a solo mission.
YOU’RE WELCOME, MENFOLK OF THE WORLD!
I don’t know if its just me, but there really seems to be a lack of dramatic dating stories from A list celebrities. A list celebrities seem to throwing shade at each other’s ex boyfriends and girlfriends. I just miss the old days of salty past lovers. Like Kris Whats His Name, who was married to Kim Kardashian for a whopping 72 days, throwing out insults via Twitter.
There’s loads of lower tier celebrities, those who feel their career is dying so they go on Big Brother, doing that. Those dating life stories are so boring to me. If you’ve shagged someone from an MTV reality TV show, you’re so beyond the valley of the lame. You aren’t Kim Kardashian, so therefore no one will be interested in your dating life. It’s just fact.
But, there is a real drought of nasty A list divorces. WHERE ARE THE PUNCHES BEING BANGED OUT? The angelic side of me knows this is amazing. It’s great that people are following Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, and being civil. However, the satanic side of me, is cursing batman about the increase of PR darlings and publicists. All working on overdrive to stop any sort of dating madness from taking place.
The other day, I was forced to watch Fifty Shades of Grey. It was awful. I hated every second of it. I hated myself for watching it. I hated myself for thinking Jamie Dornan was good looking. Quick Q, why does Jamie Dornan always play serial sexual violence offenders? He plays one really well in the BBC drama The Fall. He is really hot, but fucking hell, does he really like to dismay me.
Shockingly, my opinion of this trash of a cinematic art work is quite unpopular. Women, loads of them, think he is the best boyfriend and long for a Christian. No! He’s unable to take responsibility for his actions. All the world’s problems are nothing in comparison to his. He goes about stalking Ana, like a sex pest and just generally behaving like a sex pest. If he was butters, he would never be as popular as he is. He is, however, stunning. Ana is annoying and boring. She’s a one sided gal, but has the added bonus of not being a creep.
According to fan’s of erotic fiction, it’s not even worth your time, if you long for a little sexy read. There’s, apparently, much better stuff out on the market. Love yourself and find it, please.
Alright, maybe she hasn’t. Maybe she is just recovering from the brutal attack on her security and wealth at Paris Fashion Week. As you will all know, Mrs Kardashian West was held up at gun point and robbed in her hotel room. This shocked a considerable amount of folk; fans, her haters and mostly my flat mate. She, genuinely, texted me when it happened, like it had happened to someone we know… As horrible as it was, I really ought not be alerted as if she is one of my nearest and dearest. However, this is a point for her, and not for you my faithful readership.
Anyway, this has led to many different opinions. Some shocking and some considerate. A Halloween costume has popped up, spoofing the event. Karl Lagerfeld said that she should stop flaunting her wealth on her various social media platforms. This bloke is her friend…. However, if you expect Karl Lagerfeld to be a compassionate sook, well your on the wrong planet. It’s not okay, but hardly surprising.
She has been spotted out and about in Hollywood. She was spotted getting lunch with a pal. She did, however, look goddamn scared and not really up for life. She was decked on in black workout gear.
Kim Kardashian West, as any dedicated viewer of her excellent reality television programme will tell you, is a proud Armenian. Her father’s family descended from wealthy Armenian refugees. On one episode, they visited their motherland and, I shit you not, got an arrival worthy of the Messiah that Kanye West thinks he is.
Anyway, one of the causes the Kardashian sisters like to champion is the international recognition of the 1915 Armenian genocide. This is largely denied to have ever taken place by various countries, such as Turkey, the perpetrators. Recently, a advert ran, promoting the idea of the genocide being a lie, in the Washington Post. This enraged KKW to no end, and rightly so.
Due her vast resources, she was able to take out a counter ad and basically take the Washington Post to task on the advertisements it selected to run; a check yourself before you wreck yourself kinda message.
When she does things like this, I really rate her. Then, she does a million other foolish things that make me go “WHY KIMMY?” However, she is multimillionaire and doesn’t care what I think. And for that, I rate her even more.
Of all the TV shows I watch, I’ve come to the conclusion that Seinfeld has the worst dating advice. The four main characters; Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer, constantly spend so much time whinging about their partners. They expect perfection and will never get it. I know this because no one will ever get perfection. When people chase perfection, they will ultimately only catch disappointment. This is a truth of life, regarding any field of life; work, friends and school.
George Constanza, for example, is someone I don’t understand gets any dates. That man should worship at the feet at any of the women that agrees to go out with him. He’s actually the worst. He’s short with glasses and so unbelievably rude. Jerry and Elaine are clearly just pretending they don’t love each other, so their refusal to see any good in any of their potential partners. Seriously, they shouldn’t have got together because that would ruin the humour of the show, but it’s so obvious.
Kramer is just a bit of an eccentric. I could see how he gets ladies, but also understand how he loses them. He’s just a weirdo, not boyfriend material.
Kendall Jenner has landed the September cover of Vogue. The 20 year old model is gracing the 800 page issue; the largest one of the year. This is a pretty big deal for the reality star turned supermodel. The September issue of Vogue is fashion’s holy grail. It is honour to be selected by the editors of the official unofficial bible of fashion, complete with its expensive scripture and icons.
This might squash any claims that Kendall got where she is because her family. Jenner actually argues that her last name, sisters and previous TV career was a hindrance. There were more obstacles in her path. She is a member of a generation of models, with famous family. Her peers include Hailey Baldwin, Gigi Hadid and Kaia Gerber. Their parents are Stephen Baldwin, Yolanda Foster and Cindy Crawford, respectively.
It did however, give her a social media platform. This gave her built in fans and so on, therefore a better marketing tool. But really, all her fans are teenage girls. Most of her fans cannot afford the brands she represents; Chanel, Givenchy, Balmain and so on. Also, it is an industry built on looks…. Get a grip.
Karlie Kloss, the long time BFF of Taylor Swift and supermodel extraordinaire, takes no prisoners and she wants everyone in the world to know that. Following on from the Swift/Kardashian/West Snapchat feud (oh my days, has there been a more 2016 sentence? No, I don’t think so), a journalist asked Kloss’ opinion on Kimmy. Her answer was fairly favourable, because she seems like a good egg. The article was then twisted into a whole thing. It started rumours churning about the end of the Swift-Kloss friendship.
She fired back promptly and said there was nothing wrong with her relationship with Swifty. I must say, it must be hard to be a model now with a split in the pop culture world. Kim and Kanye are such powerhouses in both the music and fashion world. They have real sway. Designers fall at their feet. I hardly think Kloss will be conscripted into the Balmain army, for example. That battalion is made up of fellow supermodels such as Jourdan Dunn, Alessandria Ambrosio, Joan Smalls, Kylie and Kendall Jenner.
Though, let’s not feel too sorry for Klossy. The girl has a strong modelling career, cookie business and she’s studying for a degree at New York University in coding.
Instagram has a lost a star player. Due to some strange drama I don’t actually care about in all honesty, the world’s biggest (potentially) Instagram star. Bieber, apparently, got shitty because some his fans were giving his new girlfriend some gyp. His new girlfriend is Sofia Richie, daughter of Lionel and little sister of Nicole. Apparently, they were vexed he was no longer with Selena.
He had warned he’d do this. He threatened to turn his settings to private. Instead, he got fully mad and just pulled the plug on the whole photo sharing app.
This led to a whole load of fourteen year old girls whinging about how much they’d dedicated in their lives to him. I mean, it is a bit sad. WHAT ARE GOING TO WITHOUT HIS HYSTERICAL INSTAGRAMS? The world will know now.
This whole episode has reminded me how annoying Beliebers are, but I too miss the power couple that is Jelena. Jelena were good. Jelena were tacky. Jelena were a guilty pleasure we all loved. I miss Jelena. Come on, come back to Instagram and come back to Ms Gomez, Justin. I’m begging you. Please.