Meghan is dating Harry so get over it!

For the love of god, can we stop, as a human race, a species if you will. Stop hurling ignorant, racist crap at Meghan Markle? Meghan Markle is top.

The only thing that would suggest a bit of a head check is her decision to be dating, and now ENGAGED to a prince (a ginger prince none the less, but let’s not get hair colourist here).

 

 

 

 

That lady from UKIP, the one who’s sanity I already question for shagging Henry Bolton and being a member of UKIP, was texting her friend all kinds of colourful crap about Meghan. Yes, she’s dating in the royal family, but you are properly and definitely scum for being a racist.

I don’t want to lessen the horror of the situation, but pointing out jealousy. Is she jealous that she’s a fine piece of ass, smart as fuck and that she’s stuck dating a poor man’s Nigel Farage? Though, who would want to go dating with a rich man’s Nigel Farage? Which one can only assume is Nigel Farage, the actual one.

Anyway, UKIP is trash and Meghan is great. Stop being racist, and don’t say the N word. Also, don’t be in UKIP. UKIP is dead anyway. What are their policies now, apart from revoking the smoking ban?

Daphne X

 

 

Don’t take dating advise from Stephen

Men of the world, please do not be a Stephen. Who is Stephen you ask? Stephen is a person who appeared on my new favourite dating show; Make or Break. But that doesn’t really answer my original question. Stephen is one of recent reality televisions most manipulative, over emotional bam pots. He cried a lot in the first few episodes. Now, I hear you scream into your screens, “BUT AREN’T MEN ALLOWED TO SHOW THEIR FEELINGS IN THIS POST FEMINIST AGE, ESPECIALLY WITH THE PERSON THEY ARE DATING?” Well, yes they are. I screamed this at myself when I first reacted in disgust to him.

 

 

 

 

This is too much!

 

However, Stephen used his tears to dump all his unhealthy codependent shit on his poor girlfriend. Whose name I’ve completely forgotten, despite her pleas of “THIS IS TOO MUCH. I AM NOT A QUALIFIED THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He, of course, pays her absolutely no mind and believes he is lucky enough to be dating his therapist.

 

 

 

 

When her little blonde head could not take this any longer, and she courteously expressed her feelings, for what seemed the first time in the relationship, and broke it off. He stormed off in a huff, effing and jeffing and declaring she was a “SELFISH BITCH”. When everyone knew that was him.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Do Geordie couples argue more?

Do couples, who happen to be neighbours with the Angel of the North, spend more time yelling at each other than any other region? The evidence based from this report is carefully edited reality television shows. The first one to properly exhibit this dating necessity was on MTV’s Geordie Shore; the much too long running English spin off of Jersey Shore. Seriously, if it has not been cancelled yet, well than there is no justice in the world. We get it. They like to get mortal, be orange and not really like defining things when they are dating.

 

 

 

 

The debate becomes more interesting when one considers new dating show Make Or Break. This features a range of couples, all straight so not really all that groundbreaking, but they come from varied areas across the UK.

 

 

 

 

The first few episodes had drama from Geordie’s Nikita and Che. They had been dating for a year and bit. But Jesus fucking Christ, they yelled at each other more than the other couples. There are Essex people and Welshers. They are all dating but do not speak to each other in the same way that Geordie’s do.

 

I’m fully willing to dive deeper into this hypothesis, however, that was a big fat lie.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Would you date someone who cheated 30 times?

This piece will be a continuation of my Make or Break series. In this edition, we will explore dating someone who has stuck his pecker in, at the very least, 30 women that are not you, while you were in mutual agreement to be in an exclusive relationship. This is the case with Elle and Andy. Andy, while dating Elle, has proved himself, well to me anyway, a potential sex addict.

 

 

 

 

This aspect of her boyfriend’s personality has turned Elle into a bit of a quivering mess. She doesn’t really seem to trust him, which is rather understandable. However, it does beg the question; why is she still dating him? Is it low self esteem? Is it boredom, as in does she secretly like the attention and the drama? Dating him really doesn’t seem worth it.

 

 

 

 

Forgive the Gandhi inspirations, but surely it is her fault? Not the act of the unsanctioned sexual relations, but the fact she’s so unhappy. Girl will find someone else. Life is too short to waste it with alleged sex addicts from Newcastle. There are 3.5 billion men on the planet. Go try dating one of them.

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

Top five songs about dating

*WARNING* this list is nearly exclusively show tunes and Broadway bangers. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I AM AN OLD LADY, REALLY. I just occupy the body of a 22 year old. It is just my lot in life. *WARNING*

 

  • 400 Lux by Lorde – a fine tune about teenage sweet mutterings. It’s not exactly clear if the situation described is about dating, however, ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

  • I’ll Cover You (Reprise) by The Cast of Rent! – A funeral eulogy about his dead lover, lost to the HIV epidemic.  Special shout out to the belted out lyric, “WHEN YOUR HEART HAS EXPIRED”

 

Classic!

 

  • If I Loved You by Shirley Jones and Gordon McRae – Perfectly captures the pre dating stages, when both sides are too proud to admit they wanna bone.

 

  • Easy To Love by The Cast of Anything Goes! – Boy just wants to get with the naive gal. It summarises any and all dating experiences. The end.

 

 

 

 

  • Gimme Gimme by Sutton Foster – I feel the title says it all.

 

P.S.

if you don’t just love musicals, we cannot be friends. Unless, you buy me Oreos and let me watch Seinfeld on loop. THEY ARE THE CONDITIONS

Daphne X

 

 

Unorthodox ways to spend time dating

  • Have a picnic in a graveyard – This one is particularly weird for a first date option. It says that you’re ready to discuss the finite nature of living, however, it also declares you are a big fat weirdo. Dating may not be for you. Or it might! Who am I to judge. It’s just a word of warning, keep that in mind.

 

 

  • Go for a STI check up – It’s a bit forward. However, without being a bit presumptuous, we’d never get anywhere in life, particularly when it comes to dating.  We might as well air all our dirty little secrets, as soon as possible. BETTER NOW THAN NEVER! It shows very clearly that you value each others time and bodies.

 

Dating may not be for you!

 

  • Your grandmother’s funeral – This is not the same as luncheon in a cemetery, as a dating option. You may feel differently, that’s fine. This is more of a sign that you’re a bit of a co dependent, but whatever.

 

 

  • The laundrette – Personally, this could be viewed as a romantic, nostalgic way to get to know each other in a dating capacity. However, it could also be viewed as weird. They may not want to see your undies.

 

Daphne X

Disney Princes I would go dating with

  • Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid) – He is at the top of list for most. He might not, however, be the most gentleman like in a dating situation. He’s a bit blinded by the hunt for perfection. BUT HEY, HE HAS NICE EYES.

 

 

 

 

  • Hercules (Hercules) – okay, not technically a prince, but rather a demigod, but pendants are not welcome on this channel. OKAY? He just would be swell, because he has a flying horse. Anyone with a flying horse, I will hunt for your digits and go dating with you. He also is pals with Danny Devito, a legitimate comedy legend.

 

 

 

 

  • Simba (The Lion King) – No, I don’t fancy lions. However, who said dating is a romantic event? I just want to hang out with a cute and fluffy lion, platonically. CAN’T A GIRL LIVE? I always perceive vicious attacks from my loyal readership base.

 

 

 

 

  • Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty) – The geezer who randomly starts dancing with Sleeping Beauty is fiiiiiiiiiiine. His namesake, HRH of Edinburgh, on the other hand is not. Racism and being 93 doesn’t equal dating potential, even in a platonic/lion way.

 

 

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

Blind Date is back!

 

Blind Date is back! It’s showing on Saturday nights on Channel Five. As the previous host, Ms Cilla Black, is now dead, they’ve got her rumoured pal Paul O’Grady to do the honours. The classic dating show has been revived for the masses.

 

 

Blind Date with Cilla Black

 

 

To be honest, I’ve not watched it. I have no desire to watch it. I have vague memories from my childhood, watching it with my granny. It showed me that dating never really seemed to go well. As I grew up, I realised it was mostly the way it was portrayed on reality television.

 

Rather Endearing

 

I wonder if my sister is watching it. She’s a big old sucker for rubbish dating shows. Her favourite, of all time, is First Dates. I do have to admit, it is rather endearing. It has a much better rate of second dates compared to its similar counterparts, like the travesty that is Dinner Date.

 

 

Blind Date with Paul O'Grady

 

 

As touched upon countless times, that dating show is a thorn in my side. Every episode of that god awful show has been a complete dud. Sure, I enjoy it while its happening, but afterwards I feel dirty, like one feels after a Dominoes’ pizza.

 

Daphne X

 

Disney Princes I would not go dating with

  • The Geezer from Snow White (Snow White) – First of all, this dickhead has no name. That would be the definition of aggro. Additionally, any bloke that goes about kissing dead girls is a freak. He needs to be locked up and not shown to small children. Also, on a kinda unrelated note, Snow White is a rubbish film. It’s scary and not funny and creepy. There are other iconic films to squander your time with.

 

 

Prince from Snow White

 

 

He Probably Smells

 

  • Beast (Beauty And The Beast) – Right, I’ve heard a lot of ladies, some of which are my pals, my good pals, say they fancy the beast. Right, that is different from wanting to jam with a lion. He is not dating or friend material. He has anger issues and, let’s face it, probably smells. I’ve got no way of confirming this statement, but it just rings to true to me.

 

 

Prince from Beauty and the Beast

 

 

  • Aladdin – This fine piece of ass is bad news for those wanting to get into the dating game. Why, I don’t hear you ask? He has not come to terms with who he is, and will lie to get into your pants. Ladies, we deserve more than men who don’t love themselves, and think it is both wise and acceptable to fib. NO TO FIBBING! Didn’t his mother tell him to tell the truth? To be fair, she might be dead.

 

 

Prince Aladdin

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

Lisa Rinna is the Queen of Dating

Lisa Rinna is a modern icon. She is the Mona Lisa. Her lips, her eyes and her crazy conduct. She is the queen of dating too. I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HER HUSBAND? She’s been married to Harry Hamlin, an actor, who was once voted People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. This may not be true, but I think they said it on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

 

 

Lisa Rinna

 

 

A Modern Icon

 

I want her to come to my dating blog headquarters, and write a Pulitzer Prize winning article about how to catch yourself a catch like Mister Harry Hamlin. He is so the kind of bloke you want to be dating. He doesn’t mind that his wife goes around, on international television, cracking jokes about his meat. It’s not even water of his beautifully sculpted back.

 

 

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin

 

 

She is the most enviable of the Beverly Hills lot, apart from Erika, who does a little bit too much travelling for me. I’m too much of a homebody to want her life. SO PLEASE, LISA RINNA, COME AND PLAY WITH ME AND TEACH THE MASSES ABOUT DATING. This is a public service announcement. When I say public, I mean the world health.

 

Daphne X