William or Harry – who’d you rather go dating with?

Now, forget that these two men are completely off the market (but let’s be real, their father had the worst kept secret affair of the latter half of the twentieth century), but would you rather have a dating experience with; Prince William or Prince Harry?

 

 

Yes, this question is a bit 2002, for my real liking, but it is always fun to pit the two royals against each other. I think this question is a bit dated, because everyone would rather be dating Harry as opposed to William. Here me out, I cry, as you turn away from the page. In my opinion, neither are particularly desirable.  William has no hair, and the hair Harry has is ginger.

 

 

Dating Pitfalls

But, I’m a shallow bitch, who determines a man’s hotness by his hair. I’m quite picky about the small details. However, I’m not unaware of my pitfalls. And I understand this why there’s no one interested in putting their hat in the ring to go dating with me.

I actually don’t want either of them, and support that you do too. They are seemingly in committed relationships. One (you figure out for yourself) is married to the human equivalent of a plank of wood. And the other has today’s next president. There’s no dating possibility here at all.

Daphne X

 

 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle engaged!

Prince Harry is engaged, if you didn’t know. The only way you couldn’t know is that if you were living under a rock in the desert, after you died, a horrible tragic death.

 

 

 

 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been dating, for some time now. I don’t know how long they have been dating. Who am I to judge?

 

I’m just happy that it has been the end of the Pippa and Harry fan fiction inspired dating rumours. HOWEVER, I recently read the Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown. And if he is anything like his father, he could be still be meeting Pippa behind Meghan’s back.

 

Meghan is fabulous

 

However, unlike his father, Harry looks like he has more than four brain cells, so I really highly doubt that will happen. Meghan looks like a lovely lady, and Pippa just offers you shitty party tips, that no one asked for.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, Meghan is fabulous. She makes speeches at the UN. She is a big fat Hillary Clinton fan. Also, she has a tattoo of an arrow on the back of her neck, which inspired my best friend to get a tattoo on the back of her neck, which is funny. Mainly, because it’s a terrible tattoo.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Are Bella Thorne and Scott Disick dating?

There is some dated dating news coming your way. Apparently, Bella Thorne and Scott Disick are some weird, perverted couple. They have been spotted canoodling in a very gross way. It is this way because she is a child, and he is a adult, with three children.

 

Bella Thorne

 

To those without small children, or whatever, Bella is a ex Disney Channel starlet. I’ve not got the foggiest idea who she is. She is the Miley Cyrus for girls about seven years younger than me. Her dating life is a expose of preteen Hollywood lust targets. These men’s names are irrelevant to me, and my life. I value myself so I don’t bother to look them up, forget remembering them.

 

 

Scott Disick

 

 

Baby Daddy

 

Scott is Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy. In addition, he is a professional hot mess. His dating habits have been getting him in hot water with his weird, extended family. He has justification for being a hot mess, both his parents died, quite near of each other. Please note, I refuse to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians because him and Kourtney are no longer an item. This is actually a blessing in disguise. The Kardashians fall from grace, in my eyes, has allowed me to rediscover The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/New York City.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Taylor Swift back in the dating game

Appaz, the word on the grape vine, Taylor Swift is dating some bloke called Joe Alwyn. JA, as I’m going to refer to him from now, until I forget, is seemingly presenting himself as an actor. I’ve got no clue as if this is an accurate title. WHO AM I TO JUDGE? Oh just a member of the established press. He need to make an impression on me, before he does anything. I make people like him.

 

Joe Alwyn

 

Dating In Secret

Anyway, to keep their dating a secret, lots of measures were put in the place. OH WELL, THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG NOW, INNIT? I won’t be juvenile and point out that she might write ten thousand songs about him.

 

Taylor Swift

 

Anyway, T Swizzle is one of the people, like Pippa and Justin, who’s dating life I’ve followed in great detail. Well not great detail, nothing I do on this is in great detail. It’s celebrity dating. IT’S NOT THAT DEEP, INNIT? An album from her is well over due. She is now 3 years maturer since the release of 1989. DON’T LET KIM KARDASHIAN WEST RUIN YOUR CAREER! POST A NUDE SELFIE AND GET ON WITH THE MUSIC!!!!!!

Daphne X

 

Kylie Jenner and Tyga call it quits

Kim Kardashian West recently appeared on the excellent television programme Watch What Happens Live, where she dished some secrets. She told host Andy Cohen, while playing the legendary game Plead The Fifth, that she was relieved when Kylie and Tyga called it quits and stopped dating. She told the late night host their transition from dating to not was relatively calm. There was minimal drama.

 

Kylie Jenner

 

I don’t believe her!

Right, now it’s time for my hot take. I don’t believe her. Kylie Jenner looks like she not going to be good at stopping dating. Although, it must be pointed out, for argument’s sake, that she does not lack for potential suitors. The girl is always being spotted with fellow Instagram famous dudes. Doing quite well for herself.

 

Tyga

 

Kim looked well… looking glam, bronzed and all that jazz. Revealing that their was a very slim chance that Caitlyn and Kris never speak again. Citing that the only reason they would speak was because of their two daughters. Caitlyn is a top class idiot. She thinks the mainstream Republican Party need her consultation on trans issues. They only care about white, rich men.

Daphne X

 

Pippa married to James Matthews

It happened. We can now all die happy. Life has reached peak. It cannot get any better. The maximum pleasure level is amongst us. Pippa Middleton is married. The magical man who took her dating, up until marriage was James Matthews, big brother of Spencer from Made in Chelsea fame, that big old pile of shite.

 

Pippa Middleton and James Matthews

 

The Royal Box

It was of course, the wedding of the century. Okay, lets be real, no it wasn’t. That title belongs to literally anyone else. Anyway, Pippa’s dating career has been extensively followed and documented by this blog. She has excited me with her dating life, looking at all the posh toffs she picked up along the way. All the men she has dragged into the Royal Box at Wimbledon.

 

Pippa Middleton

 

I don’t mean to be the definition of a ‘bad’ feminist and highlight she might still be a bit miffed she wasn’t the Middleton sister to bag herself a one way ticket into the Royal Family?

Right now, I’m just hoping and praying that in this wedding’s wake there is a increase in fan fiction of Harry and Pippa having a secret affair. This is a free idea and I won’t claim commission on it.

Daphne X

 

Kylie Jenner is moving on!

It is another installment of news from the Kardashian-Jenner family. According to activity all over social media, it can be rationally concluded that Kylie Jenner and Tyga are dunzo, finished and no longer dating. Now, lets be real. How long this split will last is anyone’s guess. They are not ones to be finite with their dating decision making. They’ve done this before.

 

Tyga

 

Top class idiot

It wouldn’t even be so far foolish to suggest, that it might be for publicity. However, that probably is not the case. Kylie is one busy, and let’s face it, hot specimen of a human being. She’s got her make up empire, which I refuse to buy because, she is additionally, a top class fucking idiot. She just does things all the time that just make me want to not be associated with her. My lips are too precious for her gunk.

 

Kylie Jenner

 

Now, this is not say she doesn’t deserve a happy dating life. She may be everything wrong with the world, but she doesn’t need to be miserable. I’m not here to dictate how people live their life. I just like to point them in the right direction. I’m sad when they don’t listen, but hey! I’m only human!

Daphne X

 

Is Amber Heard moving on?

Amber Heard, ex wife of alleged wife beater Johnny Depp, has revealed she has been striking up a friendship with car man Elon Musk. This has therefore prompted questions that the pair are now dating. This would be a nice break for Amber who recently was married to what looks like the smelliest man in Hollywood. Depp seems to be The Worst, even without the rumors of domestic violence, because he looks like he never wears deodorant. YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET ORGANIC, VEGAN GUBBINS TO STICK UNDER YOUR PITS, YOU BIG OLD HIPPY!

 

Amber Heard

 

Gold Digging

Anyway, if Amber was dating Elon, she not only would’ve found herself a clean looking man, but one with better financial prospects. Now, I’m not implying she’s a gold digger. I’m just merely pointing out that a man with money is evolutionary more attractive. WHY ON EARTH WOULD ALL THOSE LADIES WANT TO SHAG HUGH HEFNER? HH is a the human embodiment of a raisin. He is a dried up grape of a man.

 

Johnny Depp

 

Anyway, whatever those two are doing together, dating or being platonic, I hope they are happy. They are both seemingly two of the least stressful people in Hollywood. I mean, they’re no Justin Bieber.

Daphne X

 

 

Harry Styles claims dating Taylor Swift was hard!

Oh poor Harry Styles, who has come out and said that dating Taylor Swift was hard. I mean, the boy was only 18 years old when he was dating the singing superstar. When boys are 18, they still are fetuses. This may seem like harsh observation, but seriously have you ever met an 18 year old boy? You either were one, and you were probably The Worst. Or you happened to know one, and he was The Worst. They don’t mean to be The Worst, they just are. It’s who they are supposed to be; smelly, stinky and immature.

 

Taylor Swift

 

I’m not so sure they get any better when they get older, you know. I know its not their fault, so I don’t hold it against them. Well, to be honest, I try and fail at that one. I’ll be the first one to put my hand in the air and just wail about men. They’re honestly so annoying. I wouldn’t be so annoyed by them if they just stopped. Yes, I’m saying this with a hundred percent self awareness. If you don’t like it, I cannot be of any assistance to you, unfortunately.

 

Harry Styles

 

Well anyway, Harry Styles has a new song out. I haven’t heard it. Is it about dating?

Daphne X

 

 

Prince Andrew secretly dating Kylie Minogue!

Oh my days, I literally just found out about this, and I’m HORRIFIED! Queen Kylie, may she reign forever is rumored to be dating none other than Prince Andrew. Prince Andrew? Wouldn’t you rather be dating a tempura eel, love? Ew, how disgusting. I mean, at least with tempura eel, you can eat it. Eating Prince Andrew would be both horrible and illegal. I just cannot be dealing with the images in my head.

 

Prince Andrew

 

Gross Old Men

This just advances any and all theories about gross old men getting to go out with cute ladies. Kylie is so darling and he is so gross. Urgh, he is just THE WORST! I cannot cope with this horrifying dating news. I just cannot. It’s too much. No, I’m a good person and I didn’t need this news to land in my inbox. Why, oh why? This job is taking its toll. Help me. I’m sorry I had to darken your day with it, I just needed to get it out.

 

Kylie Minogue

 

I wonder what the Queen thinks… I cannot imagine she’s so excited to have the the princess of pop as a potential real life princess? She could barely handle Kate, whose father had a £90,000 school fee bill per year.

Daphne X