William or Harry – who’d you rather go dating with?

Now, forget that these two men are completely off the market (but let’s be real, their father had the worst kept secret affair of the latter half of the twentieth century), but would you rather have a dating experience with; Prince William or Prince Harry?

 

 

Yes, this question is a bit 2002, for my real liking, but it is always fun to pit the two royals against each other. I think this question is a bit dated, because everyone would rather be dating Harry as opposed to William. Here me out, I cry, as you turn away from the page. In my opinion, neither are particularly desirable.  William has no hair, and the hair Harry has is ginger.

 

 

Dating Pitfalls

But, I’m a shallow bitch, who determines a man’s hotness by his hair. I’m quite picky about the small details. However, I’m not unaware of my pitfalls. And I understand this why there’s no one interested in putting their hat in the ring to go dating with me.

I actually don’t want either of them, and support that you do too. They are seemingly in committed relationships. One (you figure out for yourself) is married to the human equivalent of a plank of wood. And the other has today’s next president. There’s no dating possibility here at all.

Daphne X

 

 

Meghan is dating Harry so get over it!

For the love of god, can we stop, as a human race, a species if you will. Stop hurling ignorant, racist crap at Meghan Markle? Meghan Markle is top.

The only thing that would suggest a bit of a head check is her decision to be dating, and now ENGAGED to a prince (a ginger prince none the less, but let’s not get hair colourist here).

 

 

 

 

That lady from UKIP, the one who’s sanity I already question for shagging Henry Bolton and being a member of UKIP, was texting her friend all kinds of colourful crap about Meghan. Yes, she’s dating in the royal family, but you are properly and definitely scum for being a racist.

I don’t want to lessen the horror of the situation, but pointing out jealousy. Is she jealous that she’s a fine piece of ass, smart as fuck and that she’s stuck dating a poor man’s Nigel Farage? Though, who would want to go dating with a rich man’s Nigel Farage? Which one can only assume is Nigel Farage, the actual one.

Anyway, UKIP is trash and Meghan is great. Stop being racist, and don’t say the N word. Also, don’t be in UKIP. UKIP is dead anyway. What are their policies now, apart from revoking the smoking ban?

Daphne X

 

 

Daphne’s Top Dating Tips

 

Dating Dos

 

  • Do show up

  • Do be on time

  • Do Be polite

  • Do be a human being

  • Do offer to pay

  • Do speak about how much you love beer

  • Do remember your dogs aren’t going to be dating each other

  • Do remember what she said

  • Do tell her she’s insane if she likes David Icke, the BNP or the Daily Mail

  • Do just eat your own food

 

 

 

 

 

Dating Don’ts

 

  • Don’t speak over

  • Don’t talk about how your fulfilling the dating dos

  • Don’t do a runner, if in a restaurant

  • Don’t offer to pay

  • Don’t say how bad you are at dating

  • Don’t say how good you are at dating

  • Don’t cry

  • Don’t repeat yourself

  • Don’t say you hate your mum

  • Don’t mention how much of a crazy lady/guy your ex is

  • Don’t touch in the first five seconds

  • Don’t pinch her

  • Don’t challenge anyone to a running race

  • Don’t invite out on a second date if you’re not going to attend

  • Don’t tell her shes insane

  • Don’t order spaghetti, and insist on reenacting the Lady and Tramp scene

 

Daphne X

 

 

How to tell if you are dating a scrub

 

  • Does the guy you are dating “THINK HE IS FLY?

 

  • Does the guy are you dating, “ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS, AND THEN SITS ON HIS BROKE ASS?”

 

 

 

 

If this is true, this is the beginning signs that he is potentially a scrub. However, it is not too late. Also there is a bigger list of qualifications for scrub-hood.

 

  • Does he go around “HANGING OUT THE SIDE OF HIS BEST FRIEND’S RIDE, TRYING TO HOLLER?”

 

This is a problem not just for you and the person you are dating. But also is a worldwide safety issue. Also, it makes you look like a bell end for condoning this behaviour. So, this might not actually any person you can save. I suggest running, but I’m not your puppet master, so you do you, boo.

 

Lives with his Mommy!

 

It does get worse, it gets much worse, and it has reached that point once you had got to the point of return is when the scrub does not actually scrub anything and he “LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS MOMMA.”

 

 

 

 

Of course, in this economic day and age, we must still live with our parents, and not all of us are lucky enough to not. However, if this is an active choice, and she cleans his room, tidies up all his shit and he never cooks, RUN THE FUCK AWAY. I warned you, girl.

 

Advice courtesy of TLC – No Scrubs

 

 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle engaged!

Prince Harry is engaged, if you didn’t know. The only way you couldn’t know is that if you were living under a rock in the desert, after you died, a horrible tragic death.

 

 

 

 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been dating, for some time now. I don’t know how long they have been dating. Who am I to judge?

 

I’m just happy that it has been the end of the Pippa and Harry fan fiction inspired dating rumours. HOWEVER, I recently read the Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown. And if he is anything like his father, he could be still be meeting Pippa behind Meghan’s back.

 

Meghan is fabulous

 

However, unlike his father, Harry looks like he has more than four brain cells, so I really highly doubt that will happen. Meghan looks like a lovely lady, and Pippa just offers you shitty party tips, that no one asked for.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, Meghan is fabulous. She makes speeches at the UN. She is a big fat Hillary Clinton fan. Also, she has a tattoo of an arrow on the back of her neck, which inspired my best friend to get a tattoo on the back of her neck, which is funny. Mainly, because it’s a terrible tattoo.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Don’t take dating advise from Stephen

Men of the world, please do not be a Stephen. Who is Stephen you ask? Stephen is a person who appeared on my new favourite dating show; Make or Break. But that doesn’t really answer my original question. Stephen is one of recent reality televisions most manipulative, over emotional bam pots. He cried a lot in the first few episodes. Now, I hear you scream into your screens, “BUT AREN’T MEN ALLOWED TO SHOW THEIR FEELINGS IN THIS POST FEMINIST AGE, ESPECIALLY WITH THE PERSON THEY ARE DATING?” Well, yes they are. I screamed this at myself when I first reacted in disgust to him.

 

 

 

 

This is too much!

 

However, Stephen used his tears to dump all his unhealthy codependent shit on his poor girlfriend. Whose name I’ve completely forgotten, despite her pleas of “THIS IS TOO MUCH. I AM NOT A QUALIFIED THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He, of course, pays her absolutely no mind and believes he is lucky enough to be dating his therapist.

 

 

 

 

When her little blonde head could not take this any longer, and she courteously expressed her feelings, for what seemed the first time in the relationship, and broke it off. He stormed off in a huff, effing and jeffing and declaring she was a “SELFISH BITCH”. When everyone knew that was him.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Do Geordie couples argue more?

Do couples, who happen to be neighbours with the Angel of the North, spend more time yelling at each other than any other region? The evidence based from this report is carefully edited reality television shows. The first one to properly exhibit this dating necessity was on MTV’s Geordie Shore; the much too long running English spin off of Jersey Shore. Seriously, if it has not been cancelled yet, well than there is no justice in the world. We get it. They like to get mortal, be orange and not really like defining things when they are dating.

 

 

 

 

The debate becomes more interesting when one considers new dating show Make Or Break. This features a range of couples, all straight so not really all that groundbreaking, but they come from varied areas across the UK.

 

 

 

 

The first few episodes had drama from Geordie’s Nikita and Che. They had been dating for a year and bit. But Jesus fucking Christ, they yelled at each other more than the other couples. There are Essex people and Welshers. They are all dating but do not speak to each other in the same way that Geordie’s do.

 

I’m fully willing to dive deeper into this hypothesis, however, that was a big fat lie.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Would you date someone who cheated 30 times?

This piece will be a continuation of my Make or Break series. In this edition, we will explore dating someone who has stuck his pecker in, at the very least, 30 women that are not you, while you were in mutual agreement to be in an exclusive relationship. This is the case with Elle and Andy. Andy, while dating Elle, has proved himself, well to me anyway, a potential sex addict.

 

 

 

 

This aspect of her boyfriend’s personality has turned Elle into a bit of a quivering mess. She doesn’t really seem to trust him, which is rather understandable. However, it does beg the question; why is she still dating him? Is it low self esteem? Is it boredom, as in does she secretly like the attention and the drama? Dating him really doesn’t seem worth it.

 

 

 

 

Forgive the Gandhi inspirations, but surely it is her fault? Not the act of the unsanctioned sexual relations, but the fact she’s so unhappy. Girl will find someone else. Life is too short to waste it with alleged sex addicts from Newcastle. There are 3.5 billion men on the planet. Go try dating one of them.

 

 

Daphne X

 

 

My new favourite dating show

My new favourite dating show is a crash course in car crash television. It is Channel 5’s latest offering; Make Or Break. This show is so bad, that is actually amazing. It was clearly devised so quickly to fill the cavernous cavity left by Love Island; a show I feel blessed to have missed.

 

Dating Humiliation

 

The producers at Channel 5 must have sent out a brief that was something like the following; ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE WHO EMOTIONALLY ABUSES YOU CONSTANTLY? IF SO, WE’LL BUY YOU A FREE HOLIDAY TO MEXICO SO WE CAN HUMILIATE YOU.

 

 

 

 

It’s full of the same fame hungry people that just want to boost their Twitter followers. There’s the typical fare of regional accents; Essex, Geordies and the like, plus some token posh people. Two people, who are clearly the laughing stock of their professions, which includes sex therapy and behavioural psychology. I’ve forgotten their names.

 

 

 

 

It’s the type of colour coded couple show that makes you happy to be single, or if you’re loved up, it makes you so grateful that you’re not dating such a big twat as these people. Because one of the many dating rules I subscribe to is never dating someone who has appeared on Channel 5.

 

Daphne X

 

 

Top five songs about dating

*WARNING* this list is nearly exclusively show tunes and Broadway bangers. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I AM AN OLD LADY, REALLY. I just occupy the body of a 22 year old. It is just my lot in life. *WARNING*

 

  • 400 Lux by Lorde – a fine tune about teenage sweet mutterings. It’s not exactly clear if the situation described is about dating, however, ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

  • I’ll Cover You (Reprise) by The Cast of Rent! – A funeral eulogy about his dead lover, lost to the HIV epidemic.  Special shout out to the belted out lyric, “WHEN YOUR HEART HAS EXPIRED”

 

Classic!

 

  • If I Loved You by Shirley Jones and Gordon McRae – Perfectly captures the pre dating stages, when both sides are too proud to admit they wanna bone.

 

  • Easy To Love by The Cast of Anything Goes! – Boy just wants to get with the naive gal. It summarises any and all dating experiences. The end.

 

 

 

 

  • Gimme Gimme by Sutton Foster – I feel the title says it all.

 

P.S.

if you don’t just love musicals, we cannot be friends. Unless, you buy me Oreos and let me watch Seinfeld on loop. THEY ARE THE CONDITIONS

Daphne X